An open letter to the one that holds my heart…
Am I being difficult right now? DO I like you? Am I worried that there’s someone else waiting on you? Am I worried that you’ll eventually get bored of all this and find someone better?
YES. A BIG FAT JUICY YES. There, I said it. Happy?
maybe some part of me wants to keep you to myself, to not share you with someone else because some part of me wishes that you’re mine. I think I like you…
I promised myself that this year will not be about guys, it will be about focusing on me and myself only. And then you came along right at the beginning when I thought I had it all figured out and just made me realise how nice it is to have someone there to laugh and rant to. WHY?! You’re all I think about and you’re all everyone talks about to me, and in some way, it makes me feel special, fueling my daydream in some parallel universe where I might be yours. I try to act like I don’t care and that I want the single life but you reminded me of what it’s like to be in a relationship, to have someone to count on and go through the tough times with.
Sure, there are best friends and all but you’re different. I’m petrified that this might just be a one sided thing and you’d decide to move on to someone else, someone better, someone not me… I had the best summer just getting to know you and spending time with you. You made me feel like I was a part of something special, and we do, we do have something extraordinary that I cherish with all my heart but I’ve been sending my brain into overdrive just wondering if this was it? This can’t be it… Sure, now is not the right time but I don’t know how long you’ll be willing to wait for me, if you’re even waiting, before someone lets out… Please don’t let out…
And for us to fall out, after all those talks about not doing so. will sting like hell, honestly, it would. I told myself to not be this vulnerable and easily affected but you did so anyway.
This ambiguity sucks because sometimes I feel like you want something more too,of which I’m ecstatic about because it’s safe haven to know that I’m not the only one, that I’m not driving down a dead end street. Just in the way you’d stay up late and sacrifice sleep just to talk to me; in the way you’d take the train just to see me, even for 5 minutes. The way you’d get so excited whenever I start the conversation and get worried if I don’t talk or show up for tutor. You make me feel special and I love that, I love every bit of that. The way you wish to be a true gentleman and the fact that you did live up to it during formal was just absolutely mind-blowingly sexy. I hate this vulnerability because I sworn after him that I wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable anymore, I didn’t want to get let down again. A stupid move I know, but falling hurts, and I know that at some point, someone will take all of me and trample right over it, after promising that he/she would not do so, not in a million years. But sometimes, deluding myself is all I have to help keep it together – to move on.
Just the other day, you promised me that you’d try not to let me down and i really hope that we do not fall out nor ever change, I really think I like you and I hope you feel the same way. I hope we can go on our little adventures to get hopelessly lost together in the city and watch ‘Finding Nemo 2’ like we said we would. I hope this is the start of a new chapter in both our lives because I can’t stand the idea that this may just very well be a fleeting moment that’ll take up only a few petty pages, I don’t want that because I want more.
I never realised before, and maybe I was trying to suppress it and ignore it but I like you, I know now that I do and I cannot help it. Liking you means giving a part of myself that I used to be sure of away, a part of me that I only found ever so recently and was so content and satisfied with. But I like the way you make me feel and as much as it sucks having to part with the ‘new me’, I think I’d do it for you. I don’t like to admit it but suddenly, being single doesn’t seem all that appealing anymore, especially after being reminded of how lovely it feels to have someone there at every step of the way cheering you on, motivating you and picking you up whenever, wherever – always.
I want to do the same for you too, I hope you know ♡♡♡
Photo credits to original owner